Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Instead of being all tucked in, I am all junked up

Some people are all tucked in. Everything looks right. Manicured. I am the opposite. I am all junked up. 
I don’t know how to go from all junked up back to all tucked in. Not that I was ever tucked in anyway....There’s no silver linings playbook here. No romantic movie ending from a junked up feeling inside. The feeling you’re losing it. Whatever it is. 
You can’t take much more and you feel that you don’t even have the right to feel mental suffering, because so many people in the world are suffering physically and mentally. Horrid suffering. So why do you suffer? I suffer for my children.
How do I take my child’s suffering, swallow it whole and relieve her of the mental and physical anguish? I want to be the pill she needs to calm her down, I want to make everything better, just like I did when she was little. But she's not little anymore, she's a young woman, living far away in another state, feeling alone, feeling the stress of being far and away. I feel it too. I feel it for her. I was never that brave. I never graduated college, picked up and moved 3000 miles away from everything I knew, to start anew. 
Unfortunately, as with everything, even bravery, there comes a cost.
I send her books, tell her to read page 110 of Battlefield of the Mind, read 1000 Gifts again, read Fearless, not to worry, things will work out. Don't be so hard on yourself. Pray, I tell her, pray. Little does she know my praying and reading are for me just as much as for her. 
Don't worry if you change your mind and decide this career choice isn't for you. We will figure it out. That should be a bumper sticker.....we will figure it out!. I'd buy it and slap it on my bumper.
I want to tell my daughter it's all gonna work out, but I don't that it is. Does anybody? 
All I know is I the more tucked in I want to her and I to be, the more junked up we become.  

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