Tuesday, October 21, 2014

To Say I Love You Right Out Loud

Maybe it's my fever. Maybe it's 'cause I can't stop sneezing and my nose keeps running.....

But yeah like Joni, I really don't know life at all.

I look at pictures of my daughters (while Both Sides Now) strumming in the background and I am sentimental and cry.

I really don't know how it got to this.

Sidenote: I also shoved a huge piece of coffee cake even though I couldn't taste it...down my throat.

I miss them. So much. I want it to be like it was before....illusions...I really don't know life at all.

There are tears and fears and feeling proud. Only I don't feel proud. I feel fears and tears.  

I read the old cards they sent me and like the song....I want to say I LOVE YOU right out loud.

So many things I would've done.  Done differently. 

Illusions. Don't give yourself away. 

I really don't know love at all. 

The pictures of my daughters are so beautiful. Each one has her own distinctive beauty. I look in wonder and think how did these beautiful women come out of my belly?

And now they are out of my belly, long gone, disconnected totally....

Thanks Joni, even in 1969 you nailed it for me. Who knew when I was 9 your song was to become my anthem.

Like you, I really don't know life at all. 

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Lost in the Sauce (without a ladle)

This is really a rough time for me. A transitional time. I'm lost in the sauce without a ladle....that's it.

It is Well with my Soul. I keep listening to Chris Rice's version of this hymn. I have to or I am gonna lose it. 

Ahem, yeah I know, like I haven't lost it plenty of times. Of course I have. I've been through some serious storms and felt like I was stretched to my breaking point.. 

My job is stressing me out. My relationships are stressing me out. My life is stressing me out.

It is well with my soul. My new mantra. Have to keep listening to this song. Knowing that God is looking out for me. He knows what I am going through. He knows my sin. He knows my goodness.

He gives me Grace.

I am not the type of person that keeps themselves busy just to pretend things are fine. I can't.

I dwell in self pity. I over-think everything. I let my emotions drain me. 

Then there's that moment when I first awake in the morning and for a split second, I forgot about the pit I have in my stomach...then I remember. Oh jeez, that's the worst.

Even so, it is well with my soul. 
I don't have a choice. Choose God or lose it.

I choose Him and if I lose it, well.......... it will still be well with my soul. 


Sunday, October 12, 2014

Compassion, it's what's for dinner.

What is compassion? Is it some virtue that comes naturally, genetically-built in, or a learned behavior?

I wish I knew.

Why are some people very compassionate to everyone but the ones closest to them? I have seen this behavior throughout my life. They say you always hurt the ones you love.  

But why do we? God loves us. He is kind and compassionate always. Not just sometimes when it's convenient, when He feels like it, or when He wants others to think He's a great God and well look at Him, isn't He sweet??

Nope. Not at all. He is compassion. He is the very definition of what compassion looks like, is, and always will be, forever and ever Amen.

So we (myself included) go about our lives dispensing compassion on a moment to moment basis. 

When we feel like it. When we want others to see us acting compassionately and therefore portraying ourselves like the Christians we claim that we are...

Instead of being Christians, how about being Christlike? How about just being compassionate, always, to everyone, even the people we don't like, we don't love, even our own families?

How about not strutting your compassion in public, so that your persona is laced with admiration. 

Try tonight.

Compassion, it's what's for dinner.


Thursday, October 2, 2014

Chinese menus, Tests and Trust

I keep listening to the Paul Simon song, Mother and Child Reunion, and although I know he came up with the title from a Chinese restaurant dish, and it was probably about the death of his dog....etc...

It doesn't matter. I can relate to the lyrics.

I adore my children. I am also pretty sure I made them my idols. I am absolutely sure I am not their idol. And I know they love me....but.

I am estranged from my children. Geographically, emotionally. We may never see eye to eye on specific events.

We may never see other eye to eye again. Period.

False hope. I seem to have alot of false hope. Did you ever have that feeling like, ummmmmm things are never gonna be the same. They're just not. Deal.

I was wrong. You were wrong. We were both wrong. And although we say we forgive each other, it still sits out there like a chemical cloud, hovering over us.

Or by us I mean me.

I know God never gives false hope. I know that. So why don't I trust it? Trust this test will be handled by Him, in His way so I better shut up and leave it to Him.

Yet in the back of my head I hear this song, and I know it's only a moment away.    

oh, little darling of mine.

I just can't believe it's so,
and though it seems strange to say
I never been laid so low
In such a mysterious way
And the course of a lifetime runs
Over and over again.