Saturday, December 9, 2017

Holiday hold on .

It's that time of year again. Almost Christmas - we just flew by Thanksgiving.. I neither saw nor heard from my two out of three daughters. My youngest semi estranged daughter texted me a Happy Thanksgiving sometime that evening. My heart ached. I figured she was with her friends.

At least she sent a text.

You get to that point. A grateful heart for a text. The crumbs are voraciously received. The text was my heart for that one day.

Flash forward to now :

Now my husband and I were looking forward to Christmas.. we had plans .. big remodel on our home.. I honestly thought- I've got something forward to actually look forward to!!

And then the contractor took our 32000.00 and started a half done deck and stopped communicating with us. Disbelief. We'd been working with him since October.. by November 24th, we KNEW. We'd been had.

You cannot stop blaming yourself. It's like estrangement all over again.

You wait and wait for that text ..

Your dream is gone. Stolen. Cozy home filled with your family and laughter and fun.

It's a holiday hold on for me.

Hold on.

I'm just trying to hold on.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

The Great Divorce

There are lots of drafts in my blog history. I start to write and then -- oh well, forget it. I slam the laptop lid down as all the thoughts swimming in my brain just cannot be expressed articulately enough for a blog very few people actually read.

So here goes nothin' cause I got nothin' to lose. 

I am an estranged parent. My daughters no longer want any contact with me. There, I said it.

You heard me, my daughters want NO contact with me anymore.

Parental alienation makes you feel physically ill. It makes you feel like a pariah in society. 

You begin to question and overthink everything you've done as a parent. Did I screw up that bad? But wait, what about this? I supported you, all of you, my darling daughters through this... on and on goes your brain, circling and analyzing every decision, every sentence you can remember, since the day they were born.  

At first you're in denial, disbelief, then as the stages of grief unfold, well, every stage is now your new normal. 

Am I the toxic, narcissistic, borderline personality disordered human that had the audacity to give birth?  

Or as one person called me on social media -- the amazing perfection of evil? Yeah, I've been called evil. And creepy. And bipolar. And crazy. And a pill popping crappy mom. And yes, some of those labels were given to me by my daughters. Ouch? More like -- what?? 

Sooo with that swirling around in your brain, you go to therapy, or at least I do. I've been going for over a year.  And so far my therapist (who has a Ph.D.) sees no evidence I am anything of the above.

Did I have a nervous breakdown in 2014? Why yes I did, thanks for asking. Do I have P.S.T.D.? Why yes I do, thanks for asking. 

Am I marked because of it? Why yes I am, thanks for asking.

Was I hospitalized? Nope, had to keep working. Was I medicated for it? Actually nope again as I was taking an anti-depressant prior to having my breakdown, so when it happened, I just didn't see the point anymore. I was and still do take a medication for panic attacks..yup, but only taken as needed. Brother, let me tell you -- it was needed.

My brain bruised for a short while there and like any bruised muscle it's healed.

Healed brain bruises - aka nervous breakdowns, in no way implies people are suddenly gonna treat you nice. Or nicer. They're not. You're marked. The month of May is National Mental Awareness month, however, allow me to let you in on a little secret. That's kindof bullshit. 'Cause you're everyone who watched you have your nervous breakdown, meltdown, whatever you wanna call it. And they don't forget it. Ever. You're pretty much screwed. So get used to it. They don't know what triggers set your nervous system into overload and caused the implosion, explosion, breakdown, during one single event and they don't care. But that's ok, -- well it's not, but what choice do you have? For me, therapy and support (and yes my panic medication) from a few select people helped me gain the strength to reclaim my sanity and learn a tough, rough, sickening lesson. That quote they use in Al Anon --- "what people say behind my back is none of my business"... it helps. 

Now back to being completely alienated by the people you love the most. Your children. It's like no emotional pain you can imagine. You're paralyzed, depressed, angry, sad, resentful....mostly sad though, hence the stages. All the time. Even when you're laughing. Even when you're making love. Even when you're humming along's looming in the back of your brain. It never leaves. Never. You're changed. Your relationships change. Acquaintances now become distant memories; your true friends -- if you're lucky enough to have any -- they listen and listen and listen. And if you're lucky enough to still have your mom, boy oh boy, you are lucky. You begin to hate yourself for burdening your family and friends with your tale of woe. You hate yourself anyway. Your kids hate you, so why not hate yourself? You begin to need your mom, even if she's 83 and you're 56. You need your mom. God, how did I get through the rabbit hole? Well, I'm still in it, but lucky me, I still have my mom.

You send apology letters, cards, emails, gifts, whatever to reconcile. You ask, then beg for forgiveness, so many times, you reach a climatic revelation --- what am I apologizing for again? You get used to the no reply. You get used to being blocked on social media. You get used to no acknowledgement on holidays. Or at least I have.

I lied. I'm not used to it. None of it. Especially the part of reading what your daughters actually think of you. Let me tell ya folks, avoid that at all costs. Avoid reading what others, people who don't really know you, but have influence over your adult children, advising your children, "yeah, your mom is crazy...just get together with your siblings over the holidays", let me tell you peeps....that will break your heart in half.

My heart broke so hard, I had an EKG a few months ago because my chest pains were so strong. Good news, I didn't have a heart attack. Bad news, my heart has been attacked.

So why did I call this post The Great Divorce? I don't know, maybe because it's my favorite novella by C.S. Lewis?  Maybe because divorcing from my three daughters is worse than any divorce I've ever experienced? 

I've been divorced twice, now there you go with your judgin' ...I remarried the love of my life, my first husband, father to my estranged daughters. So stop your judgin' peeps. Your life is probably messy too. 

I won't judge you for whatever mess you're in as long as you don't judge me. Deal?

And if you are going through your own version of a Great Divorce -- Welcome...have a seat....I'm sorry.

Really, really, sorry. 

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Just in Case

Just in case.

I want to tell my family and friends how much I am truly in love with them.

To let them know just in case I am not around for as long as I would like. 

I am proud of you my children. Throughout our ups and downs, disagreements and passionate discussions on how you should be living your lives, I hope you three beautiful women KNOW how proud of I am of each of you. I tried my best. I support you. I did not want to be a dreamkiller, ever. So following your innermost desires, passions, goals mean the most to me. Not sitting in a grey cubicle regretting.

I love you. With everything I got.

I hope I showed you the good, the bad and the ugly, but remember the GOOD and failure is not a failure if you're doing want you really want in this short life.

I hope I helped you spiritually, showing you how God really can lead to the path He wants for you. Maybe not the path you want, or you think you want, but the path He has for you.

I hope I didn't mar your opinions on men. Not every guy is a bad one. And not every guy is a good one. 

Not every friend has your back. Not every friend is a back stabber.

To my friends, my inner circle of people I trust with every dark, despicable, funny, weird thought I may have said, or will say, I love you. With everything I got. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you thank you thank you. You've blessed me with acceptance and love. I am one lucky gal.

Mom: what can I say? Your unconditional love brings me to my knees. Thank you for the big things...seeing me through my divorce, poverty, self hatred. Thank you for all the little things, buying me all the little things only you know I would love. I love you with everything I got.        

To my family: all my brothers, their wives, my cousins, my aunts and uncles, I love you. Thank you for always loving me...I love you all with everything I got.

God: Thank you for LOVING me throughout my dark days, for every opportunity, for every catastrophe I have lived and am still living through. You are my King, my confidant, my everything. I love you with everything I got. 

Want you all to know this. Just in case. 

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

To Say I Love You Right Out Loud

Maybe it's my fever. Maybe it's 'cause I can't stop sneezing and my nose keeps running.....

But yeah like Joni, I really don't know life at all.

I look at pictures of my daughters (while Both Sides Now) strumming in the background and I am sentimental and cry.

I really don't know how it got to this.

Sidenote: I also shoved a huge piece of coffee cake even though I couldn't taste it...down my throat.

I miss them. So much. I want it to be like it was before....illusions...I really don't know life at all.

There are tears and fears and feeling proud. Only I don't feel proud. I feel fears and tears.  

I read the old cards they sent me and like the song....I want to say I LOVE YOU right out loud.

So many things I would've done.  Done differently. 

Illusions. Don't give yourself away. 

I really don't know love at all. 

The pictures of my daughters are so beautiful. Each one has her own distinctive beauty. I look in wonder and think how did these beautiful women come out of my belly?

And now they are out of my belly, long gone, disconnected totally....

Thanks Joni, even in 1969 you nailed it for me. Who knew when I was 9 your song was to become my anthem.

Like you, I really don't know life at all. 

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Lost in the Sauce (without a ladle)

This is really a rough time for me. A transitional time. I'm lost in the sauce without a ladle....that's it.

It is Well with my Soul. I keep listening to Chris Rice's version of this hymn. I have to or I am gonna lose it. 

Ahem, yeah I know, like I haven't lost it plenty of times. Of course I have. I've been through some serious storms and felt like I was stretched to my breaking point.. 

My job is stressing me out. My relationships are stressing me out. My life is stressing me out.

It is well with my soul. My new mantra. Have to keep listening to this song. Knowing that God is looking out for me. He knows what I am going through. He knows my sin. He knows my goodness.

He gives me Grace.

I am not the type of person that keeps themselves busy just to pretend things are fine. I can't.

I dwell in self pity. I over-think everything. I let my emotions drain me. 

Then there's that moment when I first awake in the morning and for a split second, I forgot about the pit I have in my stomach...then I remember. Oh jeez, that's the worst.

Even so, it is well with my soul. 
I don't have a choice. Choose God or lose it.

I choose Him and if I lose it, well.......... it will still be well with my soul. 


Sunday, October 12, 2014

Compassion, it's what's for dinner.

What is compassion? Is it some virtue that comes naturally, genetically-built in, or a learned behavior?

I wish I knew.

Why are some people very compassionate to everyone but the ones closest to them? I have seen this behavior throughout my life. They say you always hurt the ones you love.  

But why do we? God loves us. He is kind and compassionate always. Not just sometimes when it's convenient, when He feels like it, or when He wants others to think He's a great God and well look at Him, isn't He sweet??

Nope. Not at all. He is compassion. He is the very definition of what compassion looks like, is, and always will be, forever and ever Amen.

So we (myself included) go about our lives dispensing compassion on a moment to moment basis. 

When we feel like it. When we want others to see us acting compassionately and therefore portraying ourselves like the Christians we claim that we are...

Instead of being Christians, how about being Christlike? How about just being compassionate, always, to everyone, even the people we don't like, we don't love, even our own families?

How about not strutting your compassion in public, so that your persona is laced with admiration. 

Try tonight.

Compassion, it's what's for dinner.


Thursday, October 2, 2014

Chinese menus, Tests and Trust

I keep listening to the Paul Simon song, Mother and Child Reunion, and although I know he came up with the title from a Chinese restaurant dish, and it was probably about the death of his dog....etc...

It doesn't matter. I can relate to the lyrics.

I adore my children. I am also pretty sure I made them my idols. I am absolutely sure I am not their idol. And I know they love me....but.

I am estranged from my children. Geographically, emotionally. We may never see eye to eye on specific events.

We may never see other eye to eye again. Period.

False hope. I seem to have alot of false hope. Did you ever have that feeling like, ummmmmm things are never gonna be the same. They're just not. Deal.

I was wrong. You were wrong. We were both wrong. And although we say we forgive each other, it still sits out there like a chemical cloud, hovering over us.

Or by us I mean me.

I know God never gives false hope. I know that. So why don't I trust it? Trust this test will be handled by Him, in His way so I better shut up and leave it to Him.

Yet in the back of my head I hear this song, and I know it's only a moment away.    

oh, little darling of mine.

I just can't believe it's so,
and though it seems strange to say
I never been laid so low
In such a mysterious way
And the course of a lifetime runs
Over and over again.