Epiphany happened while sitting at my desk in my drab, gray, cubicle at work. I'm terrified. Not stressed, terrified.
Of just about everything.
It suddenly hit me, I wasn't stressed about getting my work done as quickly as my bosses wanted. I was TERRIFIED.
As a child I was terrified of school, of nuns, of snowballs whizzing by my head as I walked home from school.
As a teenager I was terrified of getting jumped, (that means beaten up...sortof).
As a young adult I was terrified of men hurting me. And they did. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
As a young mother I was terrified of raising babies to which I had absolutely no experience or confidence.
As a stay at home mom, I was terrified of finances....ALWAYS.
As a single divorced mom, I was truly terrified of everything, everyyyythhhhinng.
The finance horror remains by the way. That ain't goin' nowhere..
Ok, fine. I am terrified of lack of money, airplanes, the news, terrorism, highways, bridges, snow, thunderstorms, speeding tractor trailers, losing my job, keeping my job, crowds, relationships, cancer, and of course death.
So what's up with that? What's the theory behind feeling stressed when I am really terrified?
I think it's part genetics, part environment.
I may be wrong, but taking a little pill is not going to take away my fear. I've tried it, doesn't work. Reading the Bible does not take away my fear. Seeing a therapist does not take away my fear.
So here's my theory of being terrified of just about everything. --- I lack faith.
Faith in myself, faith in just about everything. Soul burn out. A coworker said to me yesterday--"Why do you keep smoking, when I know you're a Christian?" I said, "It's an addiction, and a hard one to break." His reply, "Why don't you give it to God and let Him take care of it?" He doesn't know about my fear of everything. I asked him to pray for me and left it at that.
So there it is. Lack of faith.
I'm no scientist, but I think I may be onto something.