Wednesday, September 25, 2013

I'm a Hater? I'll show you hater.

I was called a hater tonight. At my small group. The new one. The one I was nervous about starting. Yeah, that one. Why? 'Cause as I was getting a high-five as a goodbye, and said hey: Hi Five and he answered...."you're a hater. You're a hater".  I'm like what?.....I'm a Lover, not a Hater. Besides, I like you.

Wow. I am a hater. Aw, he said he was just busting on me, to which I replied, yeah, you are Italian, so that seems about right. ( I am Italian.) Ahem, I said it because I am also Italian.

The funny part was 10 minutes prior, myself and two women were praying for each other, and one said to me, God will test your will. You are praying to rid yourself of getting easily offended,
so be prepared, you will be tested. You will be tested.

And then BAM, ten minutes later I'm a hater comes out of some guy's mouth as a joke. Me being the butt if it. Was I offended? At first, hell yes. Did I think of the prayer we just prayed about God testing me. Heavens YES! God works FAST!!

Let me be perfectly clear. I am not a hater. A dweller, yes. A self- deprecating, sarcastic, blunt, Larry David, Louis C.K. loving denying that.

But a hater. No, I love C.S. Lewis, Tim Keller, Joyce Meyer and Ann Voskamp even more. 

I am layered like an onion; like Shrek. 

Not Christianese. Not saccharine sweet, not a fluffy, squishy kisser upper. Nope.

And as the Pastor said tonight during prayer, God loves each one of us, just as we are. (Mr. Darcy also said that to Bridget Jones, just sayin').

So I figure God is testing me on how not to be so easily offended. And it's working.

'Cause I am not a hater. And I don't hate him for saying I am. I don't hate anybody.

Thank you God, keep testing me, molding me, so I will NEVER be offended again.

PS: No offense to the guy I am writing about....  

Thursday, September 12, 2013

New Small Group: Water to Wine (must be 35 or older to attend)

I am starting my own new small group. In my head of course. It's called: Water to Wine. You have to be over 35 to attend, NOT a hipster, not even particularly affluent or attractive. Just someone who drinks water or wine, loves the Bible and that's pretty much it.

Any takers?

I didn't think so. As I start a new church small group next week, I am always a little scared, a little excited, and a little weirded out. I don't what to expect. What mix of people will be there...why do I care? I am there just to study the Word.

But I am also there to establish relationships with other Christians and that is sometimes VERY hard to do. Cause I don't fit the mold. Not that I should fit any mold. Jesus sure didn't. Neither did his disciples, but in our society we want to fit in. And be liked. And be invited places. And feel community. We are designed to feel connectedness and no where more I pray that Godly prayer than in my church. Community in my church. A tough one. 

My Pastor preached a few weeks back about how a member of my church asked to leave cause he wanted to be with more humble people. HUMBLE PEOPLE. That blew my mind.

So as I begin my new small group next week, I will be thinking: am I humble? Am I welcoming and friendly to everyone, even the hipsters...should there be any? Am I loving the ones who seem the most unlovable? The invisible ones? The socially awkward ones? 

Or am I gonna play Christianese and smile, work the room, try and be funny, and just skim the surface. Put my two hours in, bake brownies, close my eyes when we have prayer and wonder what the Modern Family premiere was about and then leave. 

I sure hope not.

Also hoping my Water to Wine theme catches on.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

10 Things I Hate About You ( metaphorically speaking)

1. Your technology sucks. I became so accustomed to using my daughter's laptop (MacBook) that you pale in comparison. Why did I buy you? Why didn't I just spend $1000.00 or so more and get something I can actually use and like? Oh yeah that's right, I didn't have the extra dough. Dangit.

2. You're a liar. You tell me your gonna get back to me and help me rectify the situation. You sound sincere. You sound genuine. Then we hang up and I NEVER hear from you again. Blast you and your customer surveys...which by the way I cannot WAIT till the next time your centralized survey center calls my cell and asks me to rate your service. YES. Vengeance is mine.

3. You think I think because I am Christian, I think I am like Jesus.
 I'm not Jesus, NOT even close. One of the greatest lines uttered in the movie, White Oleander. And yes, this line comes in real handy in everyday situations. Just because I'm Christian and striving to be like Jesus, I have absolutely NO consistent Jesus-like external qualities at ALL times. And neither do you. None of you. Notaone and that means you.
4. You're treating me as though I am invisible. We've seen each other several times, been introduced and at first I used to make eye contact and half-smile, but you averted your eyes one too many times and therefore I am either invisible to you, or I am wearing the Romulan cloaking device. Yeah, Star Trek rules. Original Star Trek. The one with William Shatner.

5. You conversationally inadvertently plant a reference about your degree from your Ivy League School as though you were Andy Bernard from "The Office". Please. Dwight Shrute wasn't impressed and neither am I. In fact it makes me think you are probably not nearly as smart as you want me to think you are.

6. You suck when it comes to sticking with the plan. You get scared and totally flake. Things get fouled up. People get disappointed. And by you, I mean ME.

7. You smell bad. You are NOT a Yankee Candle. You're just some cheap imitation of what's supposed to be Cinnamon or Vanilla or Hazelnut, but I might as well just pour my flavored coffee creamer into a bowl, light a match and sniff. Voila. Again, you are NOT a Yankee Candle.

8. You won't go away. I was just trying you out as a template on my blog (ethereal) sounded so cool, and now I have peach- colored birds flying around my picture....ahhhh. I can't get rid of you. I have called in reinforcements.

9. You're not medium brown. I put you on my head, cut my bangs too short and end up with The Perfect Storm. Just say you're dark brown. Stop saying you're medium.
10. You offer nothing. You are filled with empty promises, I turn you on and the next thing I know I am agreeing with Vickiwhoever and phoning my bff to swear about how mean the other women are to her. Or I am actually witnessing someone shoot an alligator and I like it. Or watch people bid on other people's crap or and this is a biggie: I stop my husband from turning you off, cause I really need to see how Brody helps Bruce...oyyyyy. Not good and I am actually paying for you?

So there it is. Metaphorically speaking, 10 things I hate about you. (which happens to be a really great teen flick with a great soundtrack). Hey, I found ONE thing today I actually like.

Things are looking up.