Wednesday, September 4, 2013

10 Things I Hate About You ( metaphorically speaking)

1. Your technology sucks. I became so accustomed to using my daughter's laptop (MacBook) that you pale in comparison. Why did I buy you? Why didn't I just spend $1000.00 or so more and get something I can actually use and like? Oh yeah that's right, I didn't have the extra dough. Dangit.

2. You're a liar. You tell me your gonna get back to me and help me rectify the situation. You sound sincere. You sound genuine. Then we hang up and I NEVER hear from you again. Blast you and your customer surveys...which by the way I cannot WAIT till the next time your centralized survey center calls my cell and asks me to rate your service. YES. Vengeance is mine.

3. You think I think because I am Christian, I think I am like Jesus.
 I'm not Jesus, NOT even close. One of the greatest lines uttered in the movie, White Oleander. And yes, this line comes in real handy in everyday situations. Just because I'm Christian and striving to be like Jesus, I have absolutely NO consistent Jesus-like external qualities at ALL times. And neither do you. None of you. Notaone and that means you.
4. You're treating me as though I am invisible. We've seen each other several times, been introduced and at first I used to make eye contact and half-smile, but you averted your eyes one too many times and therefore I am either invisible to you, or I am wearing the Romulan cloaking device. Yeah, Star Trek rules. Original Star Trek. The one with William Shatner.

5. You conversationally inadvertently plant a reference about your degree from your Ivy League School as though you were Andy Bernard from "The Office". Please. Dwight Shrute wasn't impressed and neither am I. In fact it makes me think you are probably not nearly as smart as you want me to think you are.

6. You suck when it comes to sticking with the plan. You get scared and totally flake. Things get fouled up. People get disappointed. And by you, I mean ME.

7. You smell bad. You are NOT a Yankee Candle. You're just some cheap imitation of what's supposed to be Cinnamon or Vanilla or Hazelnut, but I might as well just pour my flavored coffee creamer into a bowl, light a match and sniff. Voila. Again, you are NOT a Yankee Candle.

8. You won't go away. I was just trying you out as a template on my blog (ethereal) sounded so cool, and now I have peach- colored birds flying around my picture....ahhhh. I can't get rid of you. I have called in reinforcements.

9. You're not medium brown. I put you on my head, cut my bangs too short and end up with The Perfect Storm. Just say you're dark brown. Stop saying you're medium.
10. You offer nothing. You are filled with empty promises, I turn you on and the next thing I know I am agreeing with Vickiwhoever and phoning my bff to swear about how mean the other women are to her. Or I am actually witnessing someone shoot an alligator and I like it. Or watch people bid on other people's crap or and this is a biggie: I stop my husband from turning you off, cause I really need to see how Brody helps Bruce...oyyyyy. Not good and I am actually paying for you?

So there it is. Metaphorically speaking, 10 things I hate about you. (which happens to be a really great teen flick with a great soundtrack). Hey, I found ONE thing today I actually like.

Things are looking up.