Thursday, April 9, 2015

The Theory of Why I am Terrified of Just About Everything

Epiphany happened while sitting at my desk in my drab, gray, cubicle at work. I'm terrified. Not stressed, terrified. 

Of just about everything.

It suddenly hit me, I wasn't stressed about getting my work done as quickly as my bosses wanted. I was TERRIFIED.

As a child I was terrified of school, of nuns, of snowballs whizzing by my head as I walked home from school.

As a teenager I was terrified of getting jumped, (that means beaten up...sortof). 

As a young adult I was terrified of men hurting me. And they did. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

As a young mother I was terrified of raising babies to which I had absolutely no experience or confidence. 

As a stay at home mom, I was terrified of finances....ALWAYS.

As a single divorced mom, I was truly terrified of everything, everyyyythhhhinng. 

The finance horror remains by the way. That ain't goin' nowhere..

Ok, fine. I am terrified of lack of money, airplanes, the news, terrorism, highways, bridges, snow, thunderstorms, speeding tractor trailers, losing my job, keeping my job, crowds, relationships, cancer, and of course death.

So what's up with that? What's the theory behind feeling stressed when I am really terrified?

I think it's part genetics, part environment.

I may be wrong, but taking a little pill is not going to take away my fear. I've tried it, doesn't work. Reading the Bible does not take away my fear. Seeing a therapist does not take away my fear. 

So here's my theory of being terrified of just about everything. --- I lack faith.

Faith in myself, faith in just about everything. Soul burn out. A coworker said to me yesterday--"Why do you keep smoking, when I know you're a Christian?" I said, "It's an addiction, and a hard one to break." His reply, "Why don't you give it to God and let Him take care of it?" He doesn't know about my fear of everything. I asked him to pray for me and left it at that. 

So there it is. Lack of faith.

I'm no scientist, but I think I may be onto something.


Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Just in Case

Just in case.

I want to tell my family and friends how much I am truly in love with them.

To let them know just in case I am not around for as long as I would like. 

I am proud of you my children. Throughout our ups and downs, disagreements and passionate discussions on how you should be living your lives, I hope you three beautiful women KNOW how proud of I am of each of you. I tried my best. I support you. I did not want to be a dreamkiller, ever. So following your innermost desires, passions, goals mean the most to me. Not sitting in a grey cubicle regretting.

I love you. With everything I got.

I hope I showed you the good, the bad and the ugly, but remember the GOOD and failure is not a failure if you're doing want you really want in this short life.

I hope I helped you spiritually, showing you how God really can lead to the path He wants for you. Maybe not the path you want, or you think you want, but the path He has for you.

I hope I didn't mar your opinions on men. Not every guy is a bad one. And not every guy is a good one. 

Not every friend has your back. Not every friend is a back stabber.

To my friends, my inner circle of people I trust with every dark, despicable, funny, weird thought I may have said, or will say, I love you. With everything I got. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you thank you thank you. You've blessed me with acceptance and love. I am one lucky gal.

Mom: what can I say? Your unconditional love brings me to my knees. Thank you for the big things...seeing me through my divorce, poverty, self hatred. Thank you for all the little things, buying me all the little things only you know I would love. I love you with everything I got.        

To my family: all my brothers, their wives, my cousins, my aunts and uncles, I love you. Thank you for always loving me...I love you all with everything I got.

God: Thank you for LOVING me throughout my dark days, for every opportunity, for every catastrophe I have lived and am still living through. You are my King, my confidant, my everything. I love you with everything I got. 

Want you all to know this. Just in case.