Shut Up and Dance

On the way to a spin class my daughter and I decided to embark upon together, she played this song, "Shut Up and Dance". I loved it. I vaguely remember hearing it once or twice, but nevertheless, I shut up and listened and we chair-jammed throughout the way home.

Shut Up and Dance. My new mantra. Now don't get it twisted-- I still ADHERE to my old mantra: How about instead of doing things, we don't do things? ---- I just love that quote--I think it's a Tina Fey quote, but no matter...I still really love that quote. I'm tired peeps. 

However, shut up and dance got me thinking. Maybe I should shut up more. Yeah, I hear ya buds, good idea Maria.....wish you would....

I text and call and write and talk and I now realize, sometimes it's better to just shut up. Dance, optional. For me mandatory.

Anyway, I totally get that opening up and showing vulnerability as my lovely friend said to me today can be inspiring. (we did indeed had a great conversation)..connecting with someone through a great conversation is what I live for! I love it!! 

However, although showing vulnerability can be inspiring, funny, morbidly strange and empowering, due to my fragile state of mind, I NEED to be pickier with what I am saying and to whom I am saying it to.

I am so naive I think everybody's gonna be compassionate and empathetic and connectable, but guess what? They're not. They are flawed, self absorbed, impolite, dispassionate and downright rude.

So I learned some great lessons today: 

1---Connecting with someone through a great conversation is truly a blessing and breathes life into my tired body.

2--Expecting everyone is going to connect with me or be compassionate and kind is just plain dumb.

3--Stop telling any ol' person what I'm going through or how I'm feeling 'cause I end up angry if they are either rude, apathetic, or just plain mean. And stop feeling inferior to them because they're rude. 

4--Spin class is REALLY hard and my legs are really just two skinny jellyfish...


Now if I could muster the discernment to shut up more sometimes, I could dance all I want.

PS: Thanks to all the kind people I have spoken to today, girlfriends, work friends, church friends..and don't hesitate to tell me, Maria---shut up and dance.

The Theory of Why I am Terrified of Just About Everything

Epiphany happened while sitting at my desk in my drab, gray, cubicle at work. I'm terrified. Not stressed, terrified. 

Of just about everything.

It suddenly hit me, I wasn't stressed about getting my work done as quickly as my bosses wanted. I was TERRIFIED.

As a child I was terrified of school, of nuns, of snowballs whizzing by my head as I walked home from school.

As a teenager I was terrified of getting jumped, (that means beaten up...sortof). 

As a young adult I was terrified of men hurting me. And they did. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

As a young mother I was terrified of raising babies to which I had absolutely no experience or confidence. 

As a stay at home mom, I was terrified of finances....ALWAYS.

As a single divorced mom, I was truly terrified of everything, everyyyythhhhinng. 

The finance horror remains by the way. That ain't goin' nowhere..

Ok, fine. I am terrified of lack of money, airplanes, the news, terrorism, highways, bridges, snow, thunderstorms, speeding tractor trailers, losing my job, keeping my job, crowds, relationships, cancer, and of course death.

So what's up with that? What's the theory behind feeling stressed when I am really terrified?

I think it's part genetics, part environment.

I may be wrong, but taking a little pill is not going to take away my fear. I've tried it, doesn't work. Reading the Bible does not take away my fear. Seeing a therapist does not take away my fear. 

So here's my theory of being terrified of just about everything. --- I lack faith.

Faith in myself, faith in just about everything. Soul burn out. A coworker said to me yesterday--"Why do you keep smoking, when I know you're a Christian?" I said, "It's an addiction, and a hard one to break." His reply, "Why don't you give it to God and let Him take care of it?" He doesn't know about my fear of everything. I asked him to pray for me and left it at that. 

So there it is. Lack of faith.

I'm no scientist, but I think I may be onto something.



  

Just in Case

Just in case.

I want to tell my family and friends how much I am truly in love with them.

To let them know just in case I am not around for as long as I would like. 

I am proud of you my children. Throughout our ups and downs, disagreements and passionate discussions on how you should be living your lives, I hope you three beautiful women KNOW how proud of I am of each of you. I tried my best. I support you. I did not want to be a dreamkiller, ever. So following your innermost desires, passions, goals mean the most to me. Not sitting in a grey cubicle regretting.

I love you. With everything I got.

I hope I showed you the good, the bad and the ugly, but remember the GOOD and failure is not a failure if you're doing want you really want in this short life.

I hope I helped you spiritually, showing you how God really can lead to the path He wants for you. Maybe not the path you want, or you think you want, but the path He has for you.

I hope I didn't mar your opinions on men. Not every guy is a bad one. And not every guy is a good one. 

Not every friend has your back. Not every friend is a back stabber.

To my friends, my inner circle of people I trust with every dark, despicable, funny, weird thought I may have said, or will say, I love you. With everything I got. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you thank you thank you. You've blessed me with acceptance and love. I am one lucky gal.

Mom: what can I say? Your unconditional love brings me to my knees. Thank you for the big things...seeing me through my divorce, poverty, self hatred. Thank you for all the little things, buying me all the little things only you know I would love. I love you with everything I got.        

To my family: all my brothers, their wives, my cousins, my aunts and uncles, I love you. Thank you for always loving me...I love you all with everything I got.

God: Thank you for LOVING me throughout my dark days, for every opportunity, for every catastrophe I have lived and am still living through. You are my King, my confidant, my everything. I love you with everything I got. 

Want you all to know this. Just in case. 

To Say I Love You Right Out Loud

Maybe it's my fever. Maybe it's 'cause I can't stop sneezing and my nose keeps running.....

But yeah like Joni, I really don't know life at all.

I look at pictures of my daughters (while Both Sides Now) strumming in the background and I am sentimental and cry.

I really don't know how it got to this.

Sidenote: I also shoved a huge piece of coffee cake even though I couldn't taste it...down my throat.

I miss them. So much. I want it to be like it was before....illusions...I really don't know life at all.

There are tears and fears and feeling proud. Only I don't feel proud. I feel fears and tears.  

I read the old cards they sent me and like the song....I want to say I LOVE YOU right out loud.

So many things I would've done.  Done differently. 

Illusions. Don't give yourself away. 

I really don't know love at all. 

The pictures of my daughters are so beautiful. Each one has her own distinctive beauty. I look in wonder and think how did these beautiful women come out of my belly?

And now they are out of my belly, long gone, disconnected totally....

Thanks Joni, even in 1969 you nailed it for me. Who knew when I was 9 your song was to become my anthem.

Like you, I really don't know life at all. 

Lost in the Sauce (without a ladle)

This is really a rough time for me. A transitional time. I'm lost in the sauce without a ladle....that's it.

It is Well with my Soul. I keep listening to Chris Rice's version of this hymn. I have to or I am gonna lose it. 

Ahem, yeah I know, like I haven't lost it plenty of times. Of course I have. I've been through some serious storms and felt like I was stretched to my breaking point.. 

My job is stressing me out. My relationships are stressing me out. My life is stressing me out.

It is well with my soul. My new mantra. Have to keep listening to this song. Knowing that God is looking out for me. He knows what I am going through. He knows my sin. He knows my goodness.

He gives me Grace.

I am not the type of person that keeps themselves busy just to pretend things are fine. I can't.

I dwell in self pity. I over-think everything. I let my emotions drain me. 

Then there's that moment when I first awake in the morning and for a split second, I forgot about the pit I have in my stomach...then I remember. Oh jeez, that's the worst.

Even so, it is well with my soul. 
I don't have a choice. Choose God or lose it.

I choose Him and if I lose it, well.......... it will still be well with my soul. 



  

Compassion, it's what's for dinner.

What is compassion? Is it some virtue that comes naturally, genetically-built in, or a learned behavior?

I wish I knew.

Why are some people very compassionate to everyone but the ones closest to them? I have seen this behavior throughout my life. They say you always hurt the ones you love.  

But why do we? God loves us. He is kind and compassionate always. Not just sometimes when it's convenient, when He feels like it, or when He wants others to think He's a great God and well look at Him, isn't He sweet??

Nope. Not at all. He is compassion. He is the very definition of what compassion looks like, is, and always will be, forever and ever Amen.

So we (myself included) go about our lives dispensing compassion on a moment to moment basis. 

When we feel like it. When we want others to see us acting compassionately and therefore portraying ourselves like the Christians we claim that we are...

Instead of being Christians, how about being Christlike? How about just being compassionate, always, to everyone, even the people we don't like, we don't love, even our own families?

How about not strutting your compassion in public, so that your persona is laced with admiration. 

Try tonight.

Compassion, it's what's for dinner.

Amen.

Chinese menus, Tests and Trust

I keep listening to the Paul Simon song, Mother and Child Reunion, and although I know he came up with the title from a Chinese restaurant dish, and it was probably about the death of his dog....etc...

It doesn't matter. I can relate to the lyrics.

I adore my children. I am also pretty sure I made them my idols. I am absolutely sure I am not their idol. And I know they love me....but.

I am estranged from my children. Geographically, emotionally. We may never see eye to eye on specific events.

We may never see other eye to eye again. Period.

False hope. I seem to have alot of false hope. Did you ever have that feeling like, ummmmmm things are never gonna be the same. They're just not. Deal.

I was wrong. You were wrong. We were both wrong. And although we say we forgive each other, it still sits out there like a chemical cloud, hovering over us.

Or by us I mean me.

I know God never gives false hope. I know that. So why don't I trust it? Trust this test will be handled by Him, in His way so I better shut up and leave it to Him.

Yet in the back of my head I hear this song, and I know it's only a moment away.    


oh, little darling of mine.

I just can't believe it's so,
and though it seems strange to say
I never been laid so low
In such a mysterious way
And the course of a lifetime runs
Over and over again.