When my mother told me moments ago she was having a yam and an onion for dinner, (that's it) I said, "who are you, Shrek?"
But really the thing is, weight is such an NON issue with my mother. She's always been the same weight, my whole life.
And I have never been the same weight, EVER. My weight fluctuates like the Stock Exchange. Sucks.
My mom doesn't really understand it. She says: just stop eating. Ok. That'll work. Like when you tell someone you're watching your diet, inevitably they say things like, 'you look good, you're fine....you don't need to diet'. Really?
I see it like this: your heavier friends don't want to lose you and your skinny friends don't want you in their skinnygirl club.
I keep analyzing why every other year I get thin, right down to the weight I want to be then over the course of the next 24 months I slowly gain the pounds back...ahhhhhh. It's exhausting.
I know it's not healthy. I know it's bad for my heart. I am now once again truly caring and paying attention to what I am eating. Cause I wanna be healthy. But for real, I just wanna look good in clothes. That's all. Nothing more. Oh yeah, and the feeling of being adequate, and sometimes even secretly superior to other people when I am thin. Nice, right? Ugh, truth is hard to write.
I am praying about it. I used to say to my girls: "there are only 2 things you can really control in this world, what comes out of your mouth and what goes in." Is that even true?
Asking God to help me control my mouth, my secret superiority wishes and taking better care of the body he gave me.
I just want to do it for me. And who am I kidding: THE CLOTHES.
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