Weighing in on weighing in.

When my mother told me moments ago she was having a yam and an onion for dinner, (that's it) I said, "who are you, Shrek?"

But really the thing is, weight is such an NON issue with my mother. She's always been the same weight, my whole life. 

And I have never been the same weight, EVER. My weight fluctuates like the Stock Exchange. Sucks. 

My mom doesn't really understand it. She says: just stop eating. Ok. That'll work. Like when you tell someone you're watching your diet, inevitably they say things like, 'you look good, you're fine....you don't need to diet'. Really?

I see it like this: your heavier friends don't want to lose you and your skinny friends don't want you in their skinnygirl club.

I keep analyzing why every other year I get thin, right down to the weight I want to be then over the course of the next 24 months I slowly gain the pounds back...ahhhhhh. It's exhausting.

I know it's not healthy. I know it's bad for my heart. I am now once again truly caring and paying attention to what I am eating. Cause I wanna be healthy. But for real, I just wanna look good in clothes. That's all. Nothing more. Oh yeah, and the feeling of being adequate, and sometimes even secretly superior to other people when I am thin. Nice, right? Ugh, truth is hard to write.   

I am praying about it. I used to say to my girls: "there are only 2 things you can really control in this world, what comes out of your mouth and what goes in."  Is that even true?

Asking God to help me control my mouth, my secret superiority wishes and taking better care of the body he gave me. 

I just want to do it for me. And who am I kidding: THE CLOTHES. 
   

OH NO THEY DIDN'T....but's it ok....really.

Oh no they didn't!!! I created a blog last November, bought a domain name, and whilst I wasn't looking, my domain name went up for auction, and some organization bought it.

Wow the justifiable anger I felt! I made that name up; dangit!! The guy from GoDaddy.com told me it was business, happens all the time and to forget it, buy .net. But you and I both know .net is NOT .com.

The status of .com is far superior to .net. Ah...........vanity.

So I figured I will buy Brokenforgivenfree.com (notice I dropped the and) and as soon as I typed in www.brokenforgivenfree.com, a google error popped up. Whatever. I'm done. 

We don't really own anything in this world anyway. God made it, He owns it, and to hold onto something and think you are never gonna lose it is just denial. Or wishful thinking. Or blissful ignorance. 

So learn from me. You can say you created it, but Somebody already did. And somebody else is ALWAYS ready to take it from you.

I am thankful for what God has given me. My ideas, my relationships, my possessions. But if He wants all of it back..................well it's His anyway....so shut up Maria and give it up!

Do you think Heaven is gonna look like Pottery Barn? If so, I AM READY LORD...

Pottery Barn sends me their catalog. Not because I ever ordered anything, I think it's because they know I really, really wish I could...

Perusing the pages of Pottery Barn makes think there is a life of loveliness. Pure, unadulterated loveliness. Every page fascinates me----do people have living rooms like this? Do they own lots of books and glass jars...and no dust? No cat litter boxes, no dirty kitchen towels? No dusty plants? No piles of junk mail?
Ahhhhhh Pottery Barn, you lovely, lovely vision of how I want to live. 

So I got to thinking, if God has created the people who produce Pottery Barn, the people so talented, so creative, so imaginative that these uber-talented people can make me swoon and convince me that buying a $1700.00 sofa would make my life ever so lovely....well imagine how Heaven looks? I mean, well, God is the creator of the creators of Pottery Barn, right? Soooo, that means Heaven is gonna look AWESOME. And, so while I am studying Pottery Barn and daydreaming, I somehow manage to configure God's role in it. I don't know why...but I see God in Pottery Barn. Or rather I see Heaven in Pottery Barn. 

I can't afford Pottery Barn. I also can't afford to sin. I do sin, but lucky for me, I am afforded grace and mercy. You see, I really, really want to end up in Heaven.

And I am hoping it's gonna look like Pottery Barn. Only better, 'cause I am in it.

It just occurred to me---do I only love God 'cause of his house?....oyyyyy that's not good. I got to think about this.

And pray about this. And maybe stop staring at catalogs.....

I'm a Hater? I'll show you hater.

I was called a hater tonight. At my small group. The new one. The one I was nervous about starting. Yeah, that one. Why? 'Cause as I was getting a high-five as a goodbye, and said hey: Hi Five Rockstar....lol and he answered...."you're a hater. You're a hater".  I'm like what?.....I'm a Lover, not a Hater. Besides, I like you.

Wow. I am a hater. Aw, he said he was just busting on me, to which I replied, yeah, you are Italian, so that seems about right. ( I am Italian.) Ahem, I said it because I am also Italian.

The funny part was 10 minutes prior, myself and two women were praying for each other, and one said to me, God will test your will. You are praying to rid yourself of getting easily offended,
so be prepared, you will be tested. You will be tested.

And then BAM, ten minutes later I'm a hater comes out of some guy's mouth as a joke. Me being the butt if it. Was I offended? At first, hell yes. Did I think of the prayer we just prayed about God testing me. Heavens YES! God works FAST!!

Let me be perfectly clear. I am not a hater. A dweller, yes. A self- deprecating, sarcastic, blunt, Larry David, Louis C.K. loving woman....yes...no denying that.

But a hater. No, I love C.S. Lewis, Tim Keller, Joyce Meyer and Ann Voskamp even more. 

I am layered like an onion; like Shrek. 

Not Christianese. Not saccharine sweet, not a fluffy, squishy kisser upper. Nope.

And as the Pastor said tonight during prayer, God loves each one of us, just as we are. (Mr. Darcy also said that to Bridget Jones, just sayin').

So I figure God is testing me on how not to be so easily offended. And it's working.

'Cause I am not a hater. And I don't hate him for saying I am. I don't hate anybody.

Thank you God, keep testing me, molding me, so I will NEVER be offended again.

PS: No offense to the guy I am writing about....  

New Small Group: Water to Wine (must be 35 or older to attend)

I am starting my own new small group. In my head of course. It's called: Water to Wine. You have to be over 35 to attend, NOT a hipster, not even particularly affluent or attractive. Just someone who drinks water or wine, loves the Bible and that's pretty much it.

Any takers?

I didn't think so. As I start a new church small group next week, I am always a little scared, a little excited, and a little weirded out. I don't what to expect. What mix of people will be there...why do I care? I am there just to study the Word.

But I am also there to establish relationships with other Christians and that is sometimes VERY hard to do. Cause I don't fit the mold. Not that I should fit any mold. Jesus sure didn't. Neither did his disciples, but in our society we want to fit in. And be liked. And be invited places. And feel community. We are designed to feel connectedness and no where more I pray that Godly prayer than in my church. Community in my church. A tough one. 

My Pastor preached a few weeks back about how a member of my church asked to leave cause he wanted to be with more humble people. HUMBLE PEOPLE. That blew my mind.

So as I begin my new small group next week, I will be thinking: am I humble? Am I welcoming and friendly to everyone, even the hipsters...should there be any? Am I loving the ones who seem the most unlovable? The invisible ones? The socially awkward ones? 

Or am I gonna play Christianese and smile, work the room, try and be funny, and just skim the surface. Put my two hours in, bake brownies, close my eyes when we have prayer and wonder what the Modern Family premiere was about and then leave. 

I sure hope not.

Also hoping my Water to Wine theme catches on.

10 Things I Hate About You ( metaphorically speaking)

1. Your technology sucks. I became so accustomed to using my daughter's laptop (MacBook) that you pale in comparison. Why did I buy you? Why didn't I just spend $1000.00 or so more and get something I can actually use and like? Oh yeah that's right, I didn't have the extra dough. Dangit.

2. You're a liar. You tell me your gonna get back to me and help me rectify the situation. You sound sincere. You sound genuine. Then we hang up and I NEVER hear from you again. Blast you and your customer surveys...which by the way I cannot WAIT till the next time your centralized survey center calls my cell and asks me to rate your service. YES. Vengeance is mine.

3. You think I think because I am Christian, I think I am like Jesus.
 I'm not Jesus, NOT even close. One of the greatest lines uttered in the movie, White Oleander. And yes, this line comes in real handy in everyday situations. Just because I'm Christian and striving to be like Jesus, I have absolutely NO consistent Jesus-like external qualities at ALL times. And neither do you. None of you. Notaone and that means you.
 
4. You're treating me as though I am invisible. We've seen each other several times, been introduced and at first I used to make eye contact and half-smile, but you averted your eyes one too many times and therefore I am either invisible to you, or I am wearing the Romulan cloaking device. Yeah, Star Trek rules. Original Star Trek. The one with William Shatner.

5. You conversationally inadvertently plant a reference about your degree from your Ivy League School as though you were Andy Bernard from "The Office". Please. Dwight Shrute wasn't impressed and neither am I. In fact it makes me think you are probably not nearly as smart as you want me to think you are.

6. You suck when it comes to sticking with the plan. You get scared and totally flake. Things get fouled up. People get disappointed. And by you, I mean ME.

7. You smell bad. You are NOT a Yankee Candle. You're just some cheap imitation of what's supposed to be Cinnamon or Vanilla or Hazelnut, but I might as well just pour my flavored coffee creamer into a bowl, light a match and sniff. Voila. Again, you are NOT a Yankee Candle.

8. You won't go away. I was just trying you out as a template on my blog (ethereal) sounded so cool, and now I have peach- colored birds flying around my picture....ahhhh. I can't get rid of you. I have called in reinforcements.

9. You're not medium brown. I put you on my head, cut my bangs too short and end up with The Perfect Storm. Just say you're dark brown. Stop saying you're medium.
 
10. You offer nothing. You are filled with empty promises, I turn you on and the next thing I know I am agreeing with Vickiwhoever and phoning my bff to swear about how mean the other women are to her. Or I am actually witnessing someone shoot an alligator and I like it. Or watch people bid on other people's crap or and this is a biggie: I stop my husband from turning you off, cause I really need to see how Brody helps Bruce...oyyyyy. Not good and I am actually paying for you?

So there it is. Metaphorically speaking, 10 things I hate about you. (which happens to be a really great teen flick with a great soundtrack). Hey, I found ONE thing today I actually like.

Things are looking up.

Can I Get a Witness? True Story # 3

We've known each other since 1981. While sitting on the beach with one of my oldest and best friends, I tried to explain what having a relationship with Jesus is really about. Man, did I do a really, really bad job.

She started asking me questions, like...."well, what you mean Jesus answered all your prayers, isn't that just life working itself out.." and I'm babbling....ummmm, yeah but I just love Him so much! Then I REALLY started : There's a hole in me that no food, no pill, no wine, no man, no friend, no nothing can fill like Jesus....and you know if you were like really into knitting.....you'd wanna join a knitting club, right? So that's why I go to church, 'cause I wanna be with other people that love Him so much, like me.
And I am not afraid of death, ok, yeah, maybe still a little...but this Alpha course I took, blah, blah, blah...I was plummeting. It got so bad I started to sing, (which I absolutely should never do in public anyway since I have no tone whatsoever) and she said I sounded like an old woman, which was hilarious but didn't help and then I declared to her I would happily kneel on this beach, RIGHT NOW and exclaim to the everyone how much I love Jesus.

And then she's asking me about small groups...and I'm promoting small groups, because she really doesn't know what they are about and then I say: well, NORMAL people go...it's not like that....UGH.

And she concludes with "but maybe everything you went through in your life, Maria, maybe that's why you love God, you and your kids and all that divorce and stuff... and you're still kinda screwed up, ....so...uhhhhh...anyway, where's that Pottery Barn Catalog you brought?"

Oh whatthe......I mean, you had to be there.

I blew it. My one in, my chance to tell one of my dearest friends about the Love and Grace that only comes through Jesus. She's never asked before, I never tried to Bible thump or push anything down her proverbial spiritual throat...And there I am, the woman who can debate and shoot the crap for hours about literally anything just drops the Jesus ball. Man.

I have never had such a clear, intimate opportunity to evangelize...and it all came out like crazychristiantownusa.

I needed help. But I didn't ask. I just kept trying to expound to her about the Bible, how it's the one true word, how it calms me down when I am all riled up about whatever...how everything in the Bible is actually coming to fruition, and blah blah blah...crazychristiantownusa.

I do not know how to witness. I do not know how to evangelize. And I am gonna learn. 'Cause the next time God gives me a perfect shot at telling a friend or family member about Him and His Son and the Holy Spirit, and grace, you can be dangsure I ain't gonna be comparing it to a knitting club...

And I am NOT going to start singing. Not Ever.